Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just tell him i said nine months
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
