I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You made out with two different species that night
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
