zippers are such a cool invention
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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