You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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