Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
