at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
