Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
