ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
