i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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