so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
