i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
