id be glad to
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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