It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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