I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize