Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
