Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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