You smell like a Billy Joel song
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
