You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I supernannyed him into submission
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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