so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
