I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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