I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
