I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
