Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
