dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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