I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
