I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize