just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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