Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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