She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
