Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
