He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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