He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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