I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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