Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
