hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize