he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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