just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
