listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
