there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Randomize