What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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