I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
