Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
