And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
