Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i will never coherently bang her
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
