she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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