$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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