matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
