i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Alive.
So much puke
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
