I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
