I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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