I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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