SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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