Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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