The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
