Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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