Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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