So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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