god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
