I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
