My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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