don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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